Silent words to Amma

Just once I want to rest my head on your lap,

And feel your fingers combing through my hair,

Whispering everything is going to be fine,

I wonder how you feel the pain I desperately try to hide.

Is it your gut feeling or sixth sense,

That picks up every smile or twitch in my eye,

Never did you praise me sky high,

Nor did you scorn as I left everything to chance.

I often wonder if you were proud of me or disappointed in me,

Till I had my own little girl whose faults never seemed so big to me,

My heart swelling with pride and not telling her she was the best,

I nudged her to do better without bearing down her throat.

Following your foot steps, I want to bring up my little girl.

Resting her head on my lap,

I comb my fingers through her hair,

Whispering everything is going to be fine.

I feel the pain she desperately tries to hide,

With the brush of my lips on her forehead,

I want to make the whole world a better place for her to be.

Sarsimma turns 90

You are in our thoughts again now, as you so often are ....... 
If we had another 10 years, we could have celebrated your 90^th birthday this year.   Happy Birthday Amma!

Remembering you is easy, we do it ever so often, Amma; but missing you is the heartache that never goes away. The mind knows that you are gone, but our hearts will never accept it and we miss u so much.  If only we had known that the last time we saw you, would be the last time we saw you, I wonder about everything that we’d have done - 

May be, hugged you a little tighter, told you I loved you a little louder and stayed by your side a little longer. But we strive to make you proud by being a good mother, compassionate, thoughtful, patient, optimistic, positive and cheerful. 

From your unconditional love, we learnt to be a good mother

From your unending generosity, we learnt to be compassionate
From your kind words and deeds, we learnt to be thoughtful

From your patience through adversity, we learnt to be optimistic and full of hope

From your positive attitude, we learnt to cherish and make every event an occasion

From your sweet smile, we learnt that your cheer will always shine brightly within us

Your life has taught us how to be, and we will always love you Amma

My Daughter, a Lovely Mother

My heart swelled with pride seeing my baby, Shveta, hold her babies close to her bosom and whisper tender, loving words. As a proud mother, I held her hands during both her deliveries encouraging her through her labour, and waiting anxiously till the cry of the new born reverberated through the room filling us all with joy. 

It was in September 2015, when Maya decided to come 3 weeks ahead of the due date. Around 10:30 pm, the baby started letting her mother know she was ready to come out to this beautiful, wonderful world, while Pavan and I calmly packed to leave for the hospital. As Shveta merrily chatted away with everyone during the car ride to the hospital, it almost seemed like she was going for a movie night rather than to the hospital. The whole night was filled with pleasant memories, with the chanting of the Gayatri Mantra playing in the background, and Shveta calmly followed the doctor's instructions. The whole labour and delivery was such a serene, happy and calming experience as the little bundle of joy, Maya, came into this world at 6:12 am the following morning and gave my daughter the wonderful status of Mother.

Fast forward, to March of 2018, Maya's brother Ashwin, decided to come 3 weeks ahead of the due date as well. Like his sister, around 10:30pm, the baby started letting his mother know he was now ready to come out to this beautiful, wonderful world. As we reached the hospital around 11pm, little did we know, that the similarities around their birth stopped right there. There was nothing serene or calm around Ashwin's arrival, more like a galloping horse, as his name suggests. Ashwin was born at 12:34 am, a mere hour and a half after reaching the hospital. The whole labour and delivery was a breeze, with the chanting of Gayatri Mantra playing in the background and rain drizzling outside blessing the arrival of the little bundle of joy, Ashwin.

I'm now a grandmother, and its so grand to be a mother of a mother
I see my grandkids as beautiful and perfect, both sister and brother
Memories of their birth comes flooding along
As I look at their mother, both loving and strong
Saama, the grandma, gives you kisses and cuddles
Lets you sleep on my shoulders even with your doodles
I could just watch you for hours on facetime
With a smile on my face and not caring about time
Every little word you utter I find so cute
I proudly relay it to the world as if on cue
I love you both so dearly and to the end of the earth
With you in my heart, that's nothing but the whole truth
  

Varanasi - Day 2 of 3

Day 2 – After a sumptuous breakfast at Ramada Hotel around 8am, we left for Allahabad. The 3 hour drive was a lot of fun, filled with laughter, music and antaakshari and we soon reached Allahabad. We were so excited to have a dip in the Triveni Sangam. The sacred Sangam is the confluence of three of the holiest rivers – Ganga, Yamuna and Saraswati.  The boatman rowed us towards the area where the 3 rivers meet.

 

The Triveni sangam is the point at which the brown Ganges meets the greenish Yamuna and Saraswati who comes from below.  As we stood there in the midst of the Sangam, it seemed like the daughters of Saraswathy rising at the confluence of the 2 great rivers Ganga and Yamuna. The feeling was so primal and yet over powering. With a sense of fulfillment, we returned back to Varanasi around 4pm.

 

 

We then walked around the narrow streets and saw small houses with looms spinning beautiful patterns of Benarasi silk saris and bought a couple of saris. We then went back for a second evening of Ganga aarthi listening to soulful rendering of bhajans and watching the reflection of  lights from the aarthi dancing on the still waters of the Ganges. It was almost like seeing it all for the very first time. 

We then went again to Kasi Vishwanatha temple and the highlight of the evening was when we dedicated ourselves to singing Shiva bhajans while being totally mesmerized with the clang of the bells, chanting of prayers and total devotion emanating from all around us. A whole hall full of people joined us in our bhajans and the hour passed like a minute where time stood still. We felt blessed to get this opportunity which took us to a different plane of  religious euphoria. We were asked to come the next day for aarthi and Sama Veda chanting at the temple as well.

Although we didn’t want to miss out on the hot milk in mutka and aloo tikki chaat on the roadside, we got a quick bite and returned back to Ramada for a full fledged dinner and turned in for the night.

Varanasi - Day 1 of 3

A rose is a rose is a rose and the rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.  Varanasi, Benaras, Kasi – whatever you call this sacred city, is engulfed with divinity and the feeling as soon as you land there is celestial. The 7 of us have been looking forward to this trip for a long time and the time had come for us to set off on this religious sojourn.

 

Day 1 - We landed in Varanasi at 10am and were greeted by Nihar, our guide at the airport. We got on the 11 passenger van reserved for us for the next 3 days and set off on our journey. We started off by driving up to Sarnath, giving a Buddhist perspective to the holiness of the area. We saw the Moolagandha Mandir, the Dhameka Stupa where Buddha delivered his first sermon after he attained enlightenment, archeological sites, big Buddha sculptures in various temples and museum with a sculpture of the Ashoka pillar that was chiseled out of a single block of sandstone.

 

We drove back to Varanasi and before checking in to Ramada around 4 pm, had lunch at Royal family restaurant. The evening was a melting pot of all things spiritual, mysticism, and divinity as we gravitated towards the Jyotirlinga of Shiva enshrined in the Kashi Vishwanatha temple. We used different modes of transportation to get there. First by van from Hotel Ramada and half way through the heavily crowded streets in a cycle rickshaw which brought back childhood memories of going to school in a rickshaw and finally walked through the narrow winding streets. As we walked through the streets, I was sure we were going to get lost and silently followed our guide trusting his instincts. Finally we reached the Kashi Vishwanatha temple and the feeling of exhilaration reached the peaks of devotion and the glimpse of the Jyotirlinga amidst the mass of individuals funneled into an oneness with God. From there, we went to Kasi Visalakshi and Annaporneswari temples.

What we witnessed next was one of the most memorable moments of life – the vibrant and admirably choreographed Ganga Aarthi ceremony. It was energizing to see thousands of people assembled at Dashashwamedh Ghat to view the spectacle of evening aarthi in Varanasi. Seven young priests in traditional Indian attire moving to the tune of melodious aarthi and bhajan, holding huge deepams was a sight to behold. The soul stirring bhajans reverberated through the area and the whole atmosphere was magical with the aarthi deepam creating a bright hue against the darkened sky. As the aarthi came to an end and the young man singing the bhajans with such fervor started to unwind, we had the opportunity to continue the momentum by singing Bho Shambo in unison. Deriving such a feeling of satisfaction, we then scrambled to float lamps in leaf boats in the Ganges. It was amusing to see other people around taking pictures of us as we tried to take selfies.

As we were returning back to the hotel, we didn’t want to miss out on any local specialties and had aloo tikki chat for dinner and finished off with hot milk with cream floating on top in matkas or clay pots which added to the subtle flavor.

Appa - Our homage to you on your first anniversary

Appa – Our homage to you on your first anniversary

Amidst a lot of mixed feelings and emotions, the first year anniversary  ceremonies of my father passing away was done with due respects on Nov, 24, 25 and the natural flow of the events was as smooth and coordinated as only can be done in Vijaya's house at Koustuba. Everything seems so natural and everyone is so involved during an event in Koustuba. Sriram athimbere may not have been the son in name, yet he took the special place and with pride did all the rituals my parents duly deserved. And on Nov 26^th, the younger ones Uma and Ramesh completed the rituals with the Shubam ceremonies .

Since the morning, I was filled with thoughts of my father. It was his first death anniversary according to Hindu Calendar.  And as per the Hindu customs, on this November 24th “Shraadh” was performed. I had actually no intentions of blogging about this incident, which is extremely personal to me and I am extremely sensitive about the whole event. With the pindam offered, Appa and Amma have joined with their ancestors and continue to bless us, the mere mortals we are and indulging our needs.

Truth be told, I can't remember the specific details and sequence of events that took place that day. I just know I spent the entire day thinking, Exactly one year ago on Dec 7th, Appa was alive and fine and  our lives were just humming along. And suddenly I felt like an orphan very small, completely helpless when Kartik kept us posted about Appa's condition in ICU and Appa's final moments in Koustuba with Vijaya, Pushpa and Lata beside him.

This could be my time travel where I was quickly turning pages back to that moment when I wanted to pause. Amma left us in December of 2010 and Appa in December of 2015. I sometimes fantasize about time travelling back to "save" them or just stay with them again.

I'd like to tell you it gets better, and in a lot of ways it does, but there's a pain that will be with us forever. It's supposed to be with you forever, I think. The grief bursts continue to emerge, tears wanting to roll down my eyes, but just refuses to flow.  

The way most of my family has dealt with the loss of  Appa, is that every time we miss him, we share a memory of him or sing his favourite song, Broohi Mukindethi. And our commitment to him is to stay strong, support each other and pass on the values that we have been instilled with. We, the 7 sisters, Vijaya, Pushpa, Lata, Kala, Savithri, Usha, Uma stand together paying homage to the most wonderful person we proudly call Appa.

 

 

Weight Fight - Day 1

This is a big step for me but I'm really excited too. I’m going to keep you in the loop till I lose 15 lbs!!!
It helps that my head is in the right place; it's no good changing my eating habits if my head is telling me something different. This is all about me, for me and by me! I have had no pressure from my lovely, adorable family. My daughter who is a size 2 does think I need to lose weight but is very diplomatic but I know what she's thinking!

I woke up this morning and decided to put on a pair of Size 10 jeans which had always been 'snug' only to find I could hardly zip them up and that's what did it. I weigh 150lbs. I resolved that Monday, July 29 would be the day losing some weight would become a priority.

I looked up various sites from Weight Watchers to Jenny Craig but felt uninspired and also knew that I would find it difficult to be motivated to stay on track; moreover, I actually do understand my weight behaves like a pendulum...I eat more calories than I expend and do very little exercise;  so to sit and go through various weight loss routines once a week seemed a shocking waste of time & money.

I decided to keep track of my food intake and exercise routine, and what better day to start than Monday, the first day of the week and the day I usually fast seemed perfect.
Fruit consumption today was - apple, pear and blueberries. and stir fried vegetables in one tsp olive oil with onion, ginger, spinach and brocolli and handful of peanuts. 
Exercise routine was a 45 minute brisk walk and 15 minute jog.

Lets see what tomorrow holds for me:)